Thanks to covid-19, hooking up right now is a terrible idea. To keep you and your dick from going crazy during this worldwide dry spell, Damien Cox suggest six ways to get off in self-isolation.
1. Host A Video Conference Orgy
If group sex is your thing, but contracting coronavirus is not, orchestrate a video conference orgy. Here’s how it works: gather up a bunch of willing participants. Start a group chat on Zoom or House Party (whatever app allows multiple screens to display at once will do). Each participant points the camera at their dicks. If you do this right, you’ll have a screen full of dudes jacking off in real-time. First one to cum has to press their hole right up against the lens.
2. Make A Homemade Porno
If Zack and Miri can make a porno, you can, too. PornHub and Cam4 welcome amateur models. And you don’t need to show your face in the video if you don’t want to. Grab the lube, hit record, and get creative. Oh, and for the love of God, film it in landscape, please. Bonus points if you have good lighting. And don’t even think about playing commercial radio or some random TV show in the background.
3. Get Off The Old-Fashioned Way
In a world where video porn is freely available at the click of a button, phone sex is weird. But desperate times call for desperate measures. So why not give it a go? Call your favourite fuck buddy and arrange a time to get off the old-fashioned way.
There’s something really hot about not knowing who you’re speaking to. While you jack off together, you’ll both be creating your own fantasies with your imaginations – something we don’t do enough of while watching regular porn online.
4. Treat Yo’self To The Perfect Wank
You’ve got all the time in the world, so slow down, Speedy Pete! Set aside a good hour and acquaint yourself with the glorious world of edging. The longer you hold out, the more explosive your orgasm. Think of it as Self Care Sunday for your dick.
5. Update Your Nudes
Still using that one good dick pic from 2009? Spend some time updating your nudes and bring your bits into the 21st Century, hoe. Good lighting and good angles go a long way to making high-quality dick pics that other homos will love.
6. Everything’s A Dildo If You’re Brave Enough*
We’ve all seen the meme. Now: make it a reality. Broaden your buttplay horizons with everyday household items*. The eggplant is code for penis for a reason. And do you think god made 9-inch zucchinis just so they could be eaten?
A word of advice, though. If you decide to jam foreign objects up your butt, make sure they have some kind of base. Butt toys covered in lube can easily slip deep inside your intestines, which has resulted in many embarrassing trips to the emergency room. (Just ask the guy who lost a 23-inch dildo inside his anal cavity).
*Folks, this one is a joke. DNA does not encourage, recommend or endorse the use of household items as dildos. This is a health crisis and our hospitals are already struggling. They do not need someone turning up with a carrot stuck up them!