Men Unmasked! Why We Need To Look “Behind The Smile”
Personal trainer, life coach, author, and former Mr Gay Canada, Rob Goddard, on men, mental health, and opening up to others.
DNA: What was the spark that led you to write Behind The Smile?
Rob Goddard: I was in Canada during lockdown, looking after my mom, and had just received my permanent residency in Australia. It had been a rollercoaster of emotions in getting that, and I’d been through some failed relationships. On top of dealing with my mom, there was a lot of stuff I needed to get out. So, one morning I woke up at 5.30 am, went to a café, and began writing. It started as journaling and evolved into sharing everything I held behind my smile. I asked questions like, what are we hiding? What are we fearful of? But I also wanted to understand why I had done certain things in my past relationships, about my behaviour, and where the patterns come from.
You speak in the book about the volatile relationship with your dad.
My dad and I never had a close relationship. As a little gay boy who felt different, I never got the emotional connection I needed. I grew up scared of him. My mom was dealing with her own battle with alcohol addiction, which I didn’t discover until I was 16. When I got into my first relationship, with a man 20 years older, he could see how the situation with my dad was weighing on me, and explained that to move forward, I had to overcome this issue.
So, I wrote a letter to Dad. It was very hard to write because it was so emotional, and I would constantly cry. I eventually sent the letter, and he took it hard. My sister described it as being like someone in the family had died. About a year later, I took my partner home for my brother’s graduation, and my dad was going to be there. Everyone knew what was going on, and I was shitting bricks. I had brought my boyfriend to meet him, and it was a surreal moment. I blacked out for some of it. The next thing I knew, my dad was driving away. I don’t remember anything in between. I started crying, and my nose began to bleed. I completely collapsed.
In your book you talk about your coming out by getting caught watching porn!
Oh yeah! I was becoming curious, and the internet had just come out. Both my parents had computers, and my mom would get me to order pizza with her credit card, which I memorised. Not only was I paying men online to perform on web cam shows, but I was also renting gay porn videos. I was watching a lot of gay porn and didn’t know how to clear the browser history, so my dad saw everything. When my mom’s credit card statement came back with the charges, I said they were for straight porn. My dad had quite a hard talk with me, and that was the first time I confronted him and yelled back. It was quite a moment.
So, what was coming out like?
The first time I hooked up with a guy, I was 13 and he was 16. My ex-girlfriend rocked up to my mate’s place where we were having a sleepover. She didn’t see us in bed, but I think she suspected, because everyone knew this other guy was gay. Word got out, and for the remainder of high school, I was bullied. I never hung out in a clique and spent lunchtimes by myself. Later, some gymnastics coaches came to town, and I formed a relationship with one. He was my first. Then, right before graduation, I came out to a couple of friends and some family members, which was well received. One day, I walked into high school, and everyone stopped and clapped for me. It was a celebration of “he’s finally done it!”
Tell us about where you grew up in Canada.
I grew up in Smithers, British Columbia, nestled in a valley with a huge mountain and ski hill. It was all about outdoor adventure, fishing, hiking, hunting, and forestry work. My parents had separate homes. Dad lived in the country, and the backyard was a giant outdoor playground. There was a big lake to swim in and ski on, and we’d build tree forts and ride the pigs my dad farmed. I’m forever grateful that I grew up in that environment and not in a city, because I learned a lot of valuable skills from both my parents.
You went on to represent Canada at Mr Gay World. How was that?
I’d been involved in the gay community for a while, doing photoshoots, volunteering, bartending and was involved in the Vancouver Gay Pride Parade. Because of all that, I was chosen to represent Canada at the Mr Gay World competition, which was in Manila that year. The next thing I knew, I was splashed all over the newspapers and magazines – Mr Gay Canada 2011! I had no idea what I was doing or what the competition was about. Some of my interviews were edited to make them look smooth. I was like, “Um, it’s a competition for gay men, and, you know… world peace!” In my defence, I was only 21.
That was when I met DNA’s editor, Andrew Creagh. He was a judge at Mar Gay World in Manila. We did a photoshoot. And when I moved to Sydney, I caught up with Andrew again to do the 150th DNA cover.
The Amazing Race Canada – that must’ve been an experience!
It’s like being on adrenaline for five weeks. My best mate, Ryan Steele (The Ryan And Amy Show) and I were bartending buddies and applied for the first season. We didn’t get in, but for the second season, production reached out to us. We made a new audition tape, explained that we forgave them for not taking us for the first season and were willing to give them a second chance. It was quite funny. When we joined, it was the first time they went out of Canada, and we went to places like Macau, Hong Kong, Paris and Normandy. It was an incredible experience.
Going back to Behind The Smile, what’s your advice for recharging and keeping one’s mental health in check?
The things that work for me are exercising and being in nature. If I’m feeling stressed, I’ll go for a hike or sit by the ocean. It’s amazing to be near the sea and watch the sunrise. It’s important to either go to the gym or just have a walk to get your blood flowing.
Remember, too, that people are willing to listen and help. We tend to think nobody will understand, which is why I wrote the book. It contains stories that so many of us have experienced. People tend to think others won’t understand, but there are many people in this world who share common experiences. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone.
You also starred in Greg Gould’s music video for Just A Man – which is an excellent snapshot of this very thing. What was making that like?
It was fun to make, but also very emotional. It wasn’t long after my mom’s passing, so the emotion in that video is very real. Thinking about what I’d gone through helped tap into the character’s emotion. It was a powerful video, and I’m so proud of it, including the team involved and what we created. We did it justice, and it’s touched a lot of people.
Your boss in that video was a real prick!
Oh, he was! [Rob’s boss in the video was played by Matt Myers. – Ed]
Tell us about people who have inspired you.
My mom was my role model. She struggled with her addiction, but she always kept a smile on her face. The resilience in that woman… I don’t know how many times the doctors thought she was going to die, but there was so much fight in her. Even though she battled a lot of demons, she was strong. A lot of those attributes have carried over into me. Never give up!
Do you have a quote that inspires you?
I have a manta tattooed on my arm that says, “Flow not force.” I discovered it before I returned to Canada to look after my mom. I had my visa and was planning my new life in Queensland, and the borders closed. I’d gone back to Canada, and my life was on hold again. Things wouldn’t go to plan, but I discovered this mantra about trusting the process and going with the flow. It became a daily reminder not to get overwhelmed or angry. It kept me in a calm place with every curveball the universe threw at me.
What music are you into?
I’m all over the board. I’ll listen to heavy metal or Eminem when I’m training, and when I’m running, I’ll put on House. Celine Dion is my homegirl. Anyone who disses Celine should go see her in concert. She has an incredible voice and is quirky as all hell. Her documentary was powerful. I bawled my eyes out. When I’m making my cat videos and massaging them, I’ll put on Enya. They love it!
Your social media posts often include your beautiful Tonkinese cats. How are they?
Amazing! Frank is chill and loves his belly rubs and is super trusting. He and Milo have become the closest of buddies. They wrestle and groom each other, and spoon in the most ridiculous positions.
You have 105K followers on Instagram. How many of them are Frank and Milo’s fans?
They are more famous than I am! If I post a photo with Frank and Milo, it gets double the likes that I would get on my own.
What do you hope people will take from reading Behind The Smile?
I hope people get a better understanding of themselves and those around them. I hope they find the courage and the strength to open up about the internal stories and struggles they carry and talk to somebody. There are people who will listen. It’s better out than in.
For more, or to buy the book, go to liftingstones.com.au
Follow Rob on Instagram @robgoddardofficial
