The state of my hair right now is… Way overdue for a cut and very thankful for Finasteride and Minoxidil.
The state of my heart right now is… The size of Phar Lap’s and stronger than ever – a rare side effect of Finasteride and Minoxidil.
The state of my undies drawer right now is… A shambles. There are too many odd socks, three pairs of goggles, and a leather cock ring that isn’t mine. I don’t know how it got there. If it’s yours and you’re reading this, come and get it!
The most famous person I’ve met is… Rowan Atkinson when I was working at a bar in London for £6/hr.
The best thing about stand-up comedy is… Making fun of things that scare me and finding out through laughter that they scare everyone, which reminds me that nothing I feel is unique and I’m just a big loser.
The worst thing about stand-up comedy is… People telling me how they’ve always thought they should do stand-up comedy!
When alone in my car I… Think about how time passes us all by so quickly, life is so precious and short, and it will all be over before we even know what to do with it – and why does everyone drive so fucking slow?
If you want to make my blood boil, start talking about… Yourself, for ages, without any questions or anything interesting.
I feel sad when… People don’t like Sarah Silverman because that means we will not be friends.
The last time I laughed hysterically was… When my friend’s mum discovered his underwear obsession (drawers and drawers and drawers of jockstraps), and then told everyone he has a mental illness (he does).
If I could have one superpower it would be… Invisibility. But not in a pervy way. Just so I can steal money, avoid people I know, and spy on people when they’re naked.
I’m shit-scared of… People who don’t go to therapy. What? Do you think you’re better than us?
My autobiography would be titled… Cum Again? A tale of misunderstandings and wanting to come twice.
My secret food indulgence is… Dinosaur chicken nuggets with mustard, alone in the dark, in complete silence, face mask on and locked eye contact with my cat.
The song that makes me smile and want to dance is… Nasty Girl by The Notorious B.I.G. For the record, also my funeral song. Uncut version.
My all-time favourite TV character is… Valerie Cherish (Lisa Kudrow): “I need to know that I’m being heard.” I quote her almost daily. Watch. The Comeback.
My straight mates are… Sad they don’t have an equivalent of Grindr and saunas, which, in my opinion, is a direct result of the shit behaviour of straight men.
More: Follow Carmelo on Instagram @carmelorcosta
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