The adorably cheeky, award-winning comedian Ethan Cavanagh tells us about his Vegas residency, how his parents think he’s gay, and why he has it in for property managers!
DNA: Tell us about your Melbourne Comedy Festival show, Bond, Lost My Bond.
Ethan Cavanagh: The premise of the show is an open hate letter to my property manager, Brenton, and subsequently, all property managers affiliated! They have it way too good. It’s too easy a job, with the most amount of power you can have with the least number of skills.
You certainly have an axe to grind!
It’s like they find people who found Year Ten a little hard, gave them a clipboard and sent them out into the workforce. I think the top three jobs like this are property manager, PSO (Protective Service Officer) and president of the United States. Too much power, not enough skill.
And his name is Brenton! A man named Brenton gets to decide whether or not I get a house to live in!
I think if your name is Brenton, the only thing you should get to approve is someone’s turn to go down a water slide. That feels much more appropriate for someone named Brenton!
What things do you discuss in the show?
For example, I went to a property inspection with two housemates. We were looking for a three-bedroom house, which is quite indulgent these days. We found a beautiful place with a double garage, and at the end of the tour, I asked the property manager where the third bedroom was. He said, “Well, here’s the thing. You’re in it.” You’d think I could hold my own in a game of “Bedroom? Not Bedroom?” but I was standing in a hallway between the kitchen and the laundry. When I pointed this out, he said that because it had a window and a door, they were legally allowed to list it as a bedroom. By that logic, you could list a KIA Cerato as a four-bedroom house! Everyone has their own property manager stories.
But property managers are welcome and encouraged to see my show. Their tickets, however, are twice as expensive, just as a way to give back to me.
So, what’s your current property situation?
Our house is situated right next to a church. When we signed the lease, we discovered the church owns our house and all the others on the block. It’s crazy because that makes my landlord “The Lord”. So, I do a lot of material about having a terrible landlord in the house of God, and how surrounding us is god’s property portfolio, and he’s not a good landlord, he’s a greedy capitalist pig!
The show’s title is a reference to James Bond; which 007 would you rent with?
Daniel Craig would be more cashed-up than the others, so I wouldn’t have to pay as much rent. He could possibly turn me gay. His vodka ad was a bit of a moment.
Most guys question their sexuality throughout their teen years. Did you?
No, because everyone else did it for me! But I was pretty sure I was straight, and I think I had many opportunities to explore and question. At any given moment, the general folder on my phone is full of men letting me know that when I’m ready, they’re ready. And it tends to be a 45 to 55 age demographic.
Have you had any feedback, positive or negative, on gay jokes?
I have quite a lot of material about how people often think I’m gay. Look at how I dress! I’ve always been a little bit camp. Even as a kid, I had to “reverse-come out” to my parents. I sat my mum and dad down and said, “Guys, I’ve got something to tell you: I’m straight”. Mum started crying, and Dad wasn’t convinced. I think Mum wanted someone to go shopping with.
One of my first shows was in Tasmania, and I got a very scathing one-star review. She found my show problematic and the material deeply homophobic. So, I sent the review to a mentor of mine, an older gay guy who helped me write material, and he said, “She sounds like a dumb bitch to me!” Since then, it’s been smooth sailing.
Have you had any wild nights out with your gay mates?
The last time was when I went out in Brisbane with Thomas Jaspers and Joel Creasey. But I was having a month sober, and I really struggled. It was such a long night of drinking XPAs – way too much non-alcoholic liquid! Everyone was having a great time, but I was exhausted and batting away some very friendly gentleman all night! But I will also say that I’ve learned very quickly not to stand next to Reuben Kaye at formal events, because he whispers deeply inappropriate things into my ear, making me laugh. So hard that you end up being escorted out of the building!
Is there a song that will always get you out on the dancefloor?
My annual Spotify Wrapped is, like my dad, pretty sure I’m gay. I like a lot of Donna Summer, and Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive gets me every time. It’s an absolute banger and was my karaoke song for a very long time!
What about a favourite male singer or band?
Sticking with disco, it’s Earth, Wind And Fire. I had the pleasure of seeing them live last November during my residency in Vegas. On my night off, I went to The Venetian and was in the tenth row. They were fucking phenomenal.
Tell us about your Vegas residency.
It was great! I co-host a show there called In Pour Taste, which has recently been franchised, and we now have a cast running the show on the strip. Vegas is a crazy place. It’s fantastic to visit for three days, but a horrible place to live for five weeks. Everything is a casino, everywhere you go, all the time. It’s exhausting. You’ve been in Vegas way too long when you stop hearing the slot machines ding. They’re in the airports, the doctor’s waiting rooms, the supermarkets… if you want to gamble, you can at any given moment!
Do you agree with the adage that comedy is a great way to deal with trauma?
I think comedy should be funny before it’s anything else, but it’s certainly a great way to deal with my trauma. Bond, Lost My Bond, is a bit of a catharsis. Anyone coming to the show who hasn’t bought a place, is renting, and has been told that the mould is just condensation, will get that cathartic experience. The show culminates with me proving just how easy it is to become a property manager. I applied for the role myself, but you’ll have to see the show to see the result!
Do you have a favourite quote?
My mum once told me, “The best form of safe sex is to use an orange instead.” I think about that way too often! Talk about making a mess.
Do you have a grooming tip?
Yes, and it’s a scoop! I put gradual tanning drops into my moisturiser. I had an ex who always looked so golden and brilliant. The secret was that she used these drops. So, I stole the bottle, and I’ve been using it since. I now have friends doing it, and I’m sworn to secrecy, but most of the friends in my group using the drops don’t know the others are. Everyone looks like they’ve come from the Gold Coast.
What’s been your most memorable wardrobe malfunction?
I did a show in Ballarat, which included a massive day of rehearsals, tech, and changing into suits. Just as I stepped onto the stage, not only did I discover a hole in my pants, but it formed to separate splits, creating full arse-less chaps. The audience was about to come in, so I turned to my opening act and said, “Give me your pants, right now!” I guess I could have done it in my undies, too!
So, for underwear, are you briefs, fitted boxers, or freeballing?
I’m fitted boxers, and if I don’t wear underwear or pyjamas, I can’t sleep. I find there’s too much free motion! I can’t have things flopping around and waking me up. I need to lock things down!
And at the beach, swimming briefs, boardshorts or butt-naked?
Boardshorts. I’d need to get David Pocock’s workout routine before I can transition to swimming briefs. But I do love a nude beach. I was holidaying in Greece last year and stumbled upon a nude beach. When I realised what was going on, I joined in and never felt so relaxed in my entire life!
Bond, Lost My Bond is part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
Follow Ethan on Instagram @ethancavanaghaha
Also in this issue: Ash Flanders finishes our sentences.
The state of my hair is… Grateful to big pharma.
The state of my heart is… Not as grateful, or full, as my hair.
The state of my underwear drawer is… A colourful tribute to cheap multipacks. Bonds Bikini Briefs, specifically. They’re sexier than I knew. A man on Grindr calls them his “BBBs” and says he gets aroused when he sees men buying them. What a cost-effective fetish!
The best accessory I ever bought is… My phone, so I could connect with such fascinating and deserving men.
The most famous person I’ve met is… Unique, because I’ve been to Cate Blanchette’s house, and I’ve shaken Katy Perry’s hand after one of my shows. But the biggest thrill of my life was spending a New Year’s Eve with multiple members of The Mavis’s [Australian rock band who had a hit in 1998 with Cry]. It doesn’t get better than that!
Back in high school, I was… Clearly obsessed with The Mavis’s and, to be honest, I still am!
The best thing about being in Dog Park is… Firing a baby! Also, hearing from family members I haven’t heard from in decades is funny, too. Oh, and friends calling to say, “You can really act!”
The worst thing about being in Dog Park is… Wondering what those friends thought I’d been doing for the last 25 years.
My autobiography would be titled… Either Ash’s To Ash’s or In Flanders Feels. But it would probably be So It’s Come To This…
I feel sad when… My friends get hurt. That’s right, I’m being real.
The last time I laughed hysterically was… When I got hurt. When life is this punishing, the material writes itself.
I’m shit scared of… Wasting time, having my time wasted, or wasting other people’s time. Death is coming for us all! Let’s get moving, people!
If I could have a superpower, it would be… Patience. Or likability. Apparently, these powers are available to me now, but I’m yet to find either.
When alone in my car, I… Wonder whose car I’ve snuck into. Believe it or not, making a television debut at 44 comes with a few sacrifices. But it’s given me great legs!
If you want to make my blood boil, start talking about… How wonderfully nice that deeply-untalented-but-successful person is.
My best on-stage stuff-up was when… My dress got caught under the wheel of a set and ripped off as I exited. I’ve also cut my hand open with a machete, and in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, a moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie! According to the Alfred Hospital, it wasn’t amore! This was a serious eye emergency that had me on an IV drip for three days!
My secret food indulgence is… Gravox Chicken Gravy. But my midsection will say this indulgence isn’t so secret.
My favourite television character is… Roger The Alien from American Dad. We’re both crossdressers with problematic midsections.
The song that makes me smile and want to dance is… Anything from the Sugababes. I would die for Mutya. She is the Gravox of the ears. And you can tell her I said that!
The song I can never get out of my head is… Break In The Weather by Jenny Morris. It’s not funny. I’ve been “stimming” this song for 30 years now.
My straight mates are… Exclusively female, except for Richard [from musical comedy act, The Listies]. But he’s British, so…
Ash plays Andrew on Dog Park on ABC TV and streaming on ABC iview.
Follow Ash on Instagram @ashflanders
Photography: David Pocock by Park Magee425/Wikimedia.
________________________________________________________________________
