Relationships: Rising Above And Combatting Self-Hatred
Stop self-sabotaging and improve your dating prospects, writes Vinko Anthony.
Beau Brummell Introductions #partnership
It’s not the most fun topic, especially when it has to do with dating, but it’s important. Self-hatred can be found in people from all walks of life, including within marginalised groups like the queer community. In a world that has so often told us that there was something wrong with us, this foul beast often rears its ugly head.
Self-hatred can take form in many ways, including negative self-talk. If you ever find yourself using harmful language about yourself – or in a dialogue that would make someone else upset if you said it about them – then you are sabotaging yourself.
When you notice that you’re using negative words against yourself, recognise it. Dive deep into your psyche to figure out why it is you’re talking to yourself that way – so you can fight it in the future.
Often, the way to move forward in strength is by looking backward. It may seem counterintuitive to focus on the past, especially on difficult times like trauma and pain. But when these things are holding us back, addressing them is the only way to ensure they no longer have a hold on us. This could mean forgiving ourselves for our mistakes or telling ourselves that we’ll learn from the past to let us move forward. It can be a difficult process, so know that you don’t have to do it on your own. There’s no shame in seeking professional help if that’s what you need.
If you’re going to show compassion to someone you’re in a relationship with, then you’ll need to be able to show yourself compassion. How do you do that, though?
One method could be giving yourself the opposite if you find yourself stuck in negative self-talk. For every negative thing you have to say to yourself, think of two positive things. For instance, if you tell yourself, “The story I told was too boring,” catch yourself, and then tell yourself something like, “I got a good laugh out of him,” and “He was really impressed when I talked about my art.” By rewriting your inner narrative, you can ensure those negative beliefs don’t have power over you.
By giving yourself tools and teaching yourself techniques to combat self-hating tendencies, you’ll find the strength you need to be a good partner. While you have the strength, it’s also crucial to remember that you’re not alone in this world, and the people you spend time with have a huge impact on your emotional well-being. Ensure that these people create a positive and supportive environment for you, as this is how you will be able to thrive. When you connect with the people you are in community with, it will give you the push you need to ensure that you are staying positive too.
A problematic past can certainly have a negative effect on our present. At the same time, though, we are more powerful than what happened to us. The key reason? Because the past has already happened, while our present is still alive. We have the power to change what’s in front of us, so we have the power to turn what has hurt us before into something to push us forward. The benefit of your past is that you can learn from it. So, embrace it.
Once you’ve learned how to combat self-hatred, you’ll be able to be your best self. A matchmaker may be able to help you find your life partner, but they can only do that if you truly embrace who you are – and that means by not feeding yourself negativity every day. While self-hatred may never stay away completely, it’s not necessarily about destroying it, but learning about how to deal with it and proving that you are ultimately stronger.
