Relationships: Getting To Know You – The Real Ins And Outs Of Who Someone Is
Make time to meet the whole person, writes Vinko Anthony.
Beau Brummell Introductions #partnership
Try explaining who you are in just a few words.
If you use your profession, that might be helpful in explaining what you do every day, but it wouldn’t really help people understand that you like collecting buttons as a hobby. At the same time, talking about those buttons you collect doesn’t help people understand your sense of humour centred on bad puns, or the fact that you get really emotional when you see the sunset. And making a list of your favourite foods doesn’t let people know about your childhood when you were raised by the circus.
If you think about it, listing a thousand small facts about yourself still wouldn’t be enough to help someone get to know you – to truly know you. It’s sort of like when a sketch artist draws a subject based on a description of their appearance. The artist could have all the details – small nose, big eyes, wide mouth – but drawings of people only look accurate if the artist can actually see the subject.
That’s sort of how it is when you try to get to know someone before you’ve actually met them. They might pick the best photos for their dating app profile and tell you all their favourite movies, but these things are just a rough sketch. The photos with perfect lighting and flattering angles don’t show how someone looks when they first wake up in the morning, or how they act in a crowded kitchen. A list of their favourite movies doesn’t explain that they hide their eyes during all the scary scenes or laugh during all the sad parts. A lot of those aspects of someone can only be uncovered by spending time with them.
A matchmaker like Beau Brummell Introductions understands the complexity it takes to get to know someone, which is why we spend time in actual conversation with people. Lists and preferences are helpful, sure, but they don’t define who someone is. Knowing someone requires a connection – an emotional connection – that can only come about through quality time with a person.
To return to the artist metaphor, spending time with someone is like watching a painter at work. One stroke of the brush might be informative but, of course, it won’t be enough to learn who someone is. Over time, though, multiple lines, swirls, and dabs of paint will reveal something more. The dark parts will show shadows, the contours that give the face its shape. Little specks of colour may look like simple splatters at first, but when you step back, you’ll see that they form the intricacies of a person’s skin. All these pieces together form the nose, mouth and eyes of someone. Together, all these pieces create a human face.
To get to know someone, especially a romantic partner, you spend time with them – and not just on those first few dates at fancy restaurants or trendy bars. The real way to know someone is to see them out in the world, in the messiness of the daily moments that, when added together, create something real. To find out who someone is, you have to shine a light on them. Sometimes, you’ll find things that you wish you hadn’t seen. Sometimes, you’ll find dealbreakers. But it’s worth that risk because it’s in that light that we find the truth.
So, don’t be afraid to see someone in this light – and let yourself be seen in that light. As gay men, we often know what it means to hide ourselves. Sometimes it feels easier. We can all agree, however, that living in truth is better. Getting to know who someone really is, rather than just catching glimpses of a curated version of them, is how you build a relationship.
Get to know each other because that’s how we form real connections.
