Nath Valvo Loves His Boyfriend… But Not Triathlons!
Comedian Nath Valvo spent five minutes at the 2018 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala arguing that the real endurance event was being dragged to his boyfriend’s triathlon. Eight years on, the clip has clocked more than 2.5 million views on Facebook.
The trouble started when his boyfriend, Cody, signed up for a triathlon in Noosa. Cody issued a simple invitation for race day. He told his partner to “come and watch and don’t be a bitch”.
Smartwatches and morning runs
Valvo ruthlessly mocked modern fitness culture and its obsession with tracking metrics. He pointed out a harsh truth for the smartwatch crowd: if you are older than two, nobody cares how many steps you have taken. He even suggested a golden rule for fitness trackers. “The more things your watch can do, the less time people want to spend with you”. He also avoided joining Cody’s training group with a very valid excuse. According to Valvo, early morning joggers are always the ones making a “grim discovery” of a dead body on the morning news.
A very early morning in Noosa
The triathlon kicked off at 7:00 a.m. This is a terrifying hour for anyone not wearing activewear. Valvo joked about the stark contrast between athletes and regular people early in the morning. If he is awake at that time, he is usually in a dressing gown telling a local news crew, “I heard a bang then I saw the flames”.
Valvo arrived at the sunny event wearing his standard winter uniform of skinny jeans and a beanie. He felt about as welcome as “pineapple on pizza”. Looking out at the 8,000 participants, he accurately described the crowd as a concentrated gathering of “8,000 people that you don’t want to talk to at a party”.
The ultimate test of patience
Cody finally crossed the finish line after three long hours. There was absolutely zero seating available for spectators during this entire time. Valvo took a quiet moment to reflect on the exhausting morning and realised he was actually “really really proud” of himself. He was ready to head home for his favourite Sunday activity of sleeping.
Unfortunately, the event was far from over. A secret rule of the triathlon community dictates that spectators must wait for everyone to finish. This forced Valvo to sacrifice another four and a half hours waiting for an 83-year-old participant to finish the race. He listened to “bones crackling” and decided there is nothing worse than “the elderly with a zest for life”.
Valvo ended his routine with a blunt piece of advice for any octogenarian athletes who are not currently celebrating ANZAC Day: ” He simply suggested they, “Just “get off the road mate”.
